About Me

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Divorced, 46 currently envolved in a r/l D/s realtionship.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Have you Ever?

Found this today... Thought it was worthy of posting... Author was listed as unknown.. I do not presume to take credit for such work... Each question is thought provoking ...

Have You Ever? – Author Unknown

Have you ever knelt, naked, trembling, at your Master’s feet….patiently waiting while he picks out the perfect flogger?

Have you ever crawled across the floor, crop between your lips, with that pleading look in your eye?

Have you ever felt that sharp sting, and then the wave of intense pain, that comes with a stroke of the cane?

Have you ever wondered if she can take just one more stroke, and felt the pride when she took 10?

Have you ever stood over her as she looks up at you with tears in her eyes?

Have you ever gotten the giggles on stroke number 255….even though you are hurting?

Have you ever been bound, naked, in front of a room full of people, yet the only one you are aware of is your Dom?

Have you ever felt the rush of power that comes when someone willingly crawls across your lap to be punished?

Have you ever stood in the corner, skirt raised, panties down, tears running down your face from the humiliation?

Have you ever awakened the next morning unable to walk across the room without feeling the pain of the night before?

Have you ever wanted to hold her in your arms as she sobbed, yet left her huddled in the corner?

Have you ever trembled in fear and excitement when he pulls out *that* toy?

Have you ever felt the sadistic pleasure that comes from inflicting pain?

Have you ever bent over the counter at the toy store, the clerk holding your wrists, as your Dom picks out the paddle that he prefers?

Have you ever practiced with that new toy until your arm feels as if it is going to fall off?

Have you ever worn those little gold handcuff earrings to work?

Have you ever felt the over-whelming warmth from knowing that she is taking the pain just to please you?

Have you ever lifted the hair off the back of your neck without being told while your Master slipped on a collar?

Have you ever heard the scream of your muscles as you lie hog-tied on the bed?

Have you ever fought with the beast…knowing it was time to stop, yet wanting to hear her squeals for just a little longer?

Have you ever felt the sting of the crop on your inner thighs?

Have you ever presented your body for the single-tail, knowing that one mis-stroke could leave you lying on the floor, writhing in pain?

Have you ever felt the touch of the whip as it wraps around your body and caresses your breast?
Have you ever gasped, and then screamed, as the nipple clamps were slowly removed?

Have you ever felt her squirming and kicking as you apply the hair brush to her reddening flesh?
Have you ever loved, and hated, and feared, and needed all at the same time?

Friday, May 15, 2009

Are We defined by our Collar?

Are we defined by our collar? Does leather touching our neck make us compliant? Does it make one seem whole? I seem to be rolling a great many things around in my head lately. I have not written my thoughts here in several months. The D/s side of my life seems to be set aside? dissolved? on the back burner? no longer a focal point?

My relationship with Sir seems to have changed... At present it seems to be very vanilla in nature. There is a part of me that enjoys that.. but maybe an even bigger part of me desires so much more.

I feel totally lost sometimes without the same type of control in parts of my life. I have never wished to be totally controlled or live in a 24/7 D/s relationship... but having the will to give up and to submit.. has given me peace.. and the release of not having to be in control.. be the responsible one..

I have spoken with Sir a couple of times the last few months about the fact that I do very much miss that element of our relationship. He has told me that is merely on the back burner..... and that in time we will come back to it. I do not totally understand its absents.. nor do I fully understand my longing... Inside of me aches for this type of control....

If its Sirs will.. it will return to our relationship in time.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Point of Enlightenment...

I have struggled with a few things... One being "safe words"... although I understand the importance of them. To this point I thought having them or using them might be a sign of distrust... I glanced at a blog today that put that in perspective for me. (thanks libby) It dawned on me that I might be looking at it as a sign of weakness on my part. Using a safe word.... would mean that I was disappointing Sir. In reality... I should look at it in another light... If I am indeed the most important possession that Sir has... I should be doing everything in my power to protect that possession. Thus allowing myself to take ownership of the safe word... protecting his prize possession from harm. To this point.... I have never had an occasion to need to use my safe word. However, in the back of my mind.. I have had doubts as to whether I would use it when my limits were pushed. I now feel it would be my responsibility to use it.

I had to borrow these... hummmm I might work to hard to be normal on occassion.. guess it is indeed overrated...

Masquerading as a normal person day after day is exhausting. -source unknown

My darling girl, when are you going to understand that normalcy is not necessarily a virtue, it rather denotes a lack of courage. -from the movie "Practical Magic,"

Thursday, February 12, 2009

I found this.... quote.. and it seems appropriate:

The power of submission
lies not in the ability
to kneel before another,
to give over one’s body
or in the wearing of a collar.

The power of submission
can be found only in the heart
of one who gives her love
to another freely
knowing what joy and pain
will come from it.

Friday, February 6, 2009

Only limited within my own mind....

Per Sir's request... I am to make a list of things I would like to try...
I truly think my biggest limits are within my own mind....
List of things I would like to try... (listed in random order.)

1. Ice play of some sort.
2. candle wax
3. different bondage positions.
4. photography
5. experiment with Anal play.. butt plugs or anal beads.
6. sensory deprivation.
7. gags.. especially the ball gag.. (I think anything can be achieved with practice.)
8. agressive play.. to be taken with force.. such as rape scene.
9.ritualist things.. such as being required to do certain things...in a certain way to please.
10. begging.
11. extended bondage
12. extended penetration.
13. clothes pins
14. direct orders to perform. (ie.. "play with my balls"... "play with your tits" or "masterbate for my pleasure." "being made to tell you exactly what I need in a verbal format.. not just with body language."
15. Learn to do prostate massage
16. experiment with all kinds of toys.. both his and hers... type.
17. someday attend a munch.
18. Learn to enjoy role playing.
19. experiment with spreader bar.
20. suprises of any kind.

I am sure this list will grow as I begin to know myself even better.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

I am who... who I am....

Sir has asked me to think of ways in which I wish to serve him outside of the bedroom. I have thought about this assignment to the point... I wasn’t sure it was within me to accomplish...
Then.. being true to myself... I did what I always do...I read about the lifestyle of the true submissive. Then I did the second thing I always do when I am tackling a problem, or situation...
I took one step back to look at the bigger picture...

I am who I am... I am where I should be... I am indeed service oriented and submissive outside the bedroom. The realization began......
–with a kit kat and cherry mash on the dresser.
_Pepsi in the fridge.
When I serve Sir in any way... it pleases me. I have to this point found no greater reward in my current relationship than knowing I have pleased him.

If serving someone is indeed a relationship of the 50's.... and I am merely wanting to be June Cleaver.. Then that is my role. She anticipated his needs. She took care of the home in such a way to please the "Master" in her life. Do I think June Cleaver had a personality of her own? Yes. Do I think she was an intelligent woman? Yes.

At this point in my teachings... if I were asked what I thought the most important qualities of a good submissive are:
_Giving without reservation.
_Obeying his direction.
_Anticipating his needs.
_Supporting his dreams
_Taking pride in that these characteristics are who you are.
So in the end my service and submission outside the bedroom is limited only by the ways in which Sir wants to teach me to please him.

"True strength lies in submission which permits one to dedicate his life, through devotion, to something beyond himself.Henry Miller...

Friday, January 30, 2009

Task at hand....

Sir has ordered me to refrain from "personal pleasure." I am not to masturbate.

I am also to think about duties and ways in which to serve and please him outside of the bedroom. Both tasks will be hard for me. The second one I must ponder and give some thought too. Although when I first entered into this relationship with Sir... I felt I was only submissive in the bedroom. I now feel I should explore who I am more deeply.

emotions out of context...

Sir, has asked me to write in my blog as a method of learning more about how I feel about certain things.

I waited almost two days before taking to Sir about something that was bothering me.
Communication is our strong suite.... yet I held back. I hate to show emotions that are out of context or amplified. I dislike over dramatics. Sometimes emotions of insecurity and jealousy are very unbecoming. Although they are natural... and make us all human. Sometimes I merely want to be above that. My feelings of insecurity and jealousy appear to be unwarranted.
They appear out of context

We went to bed... and I wondered if I would allow my feeling of guilt to come into play.
Would I figure out a way to punish myself for the feelings that were not warranted?

Every time I have wore the collar or cuffs.... I have associated it with pleasure, desire, raw human need....The minute Sir placed the collar around my neck.. I was in my place a comfort place. A place where I am needed, desired, wanted... Vulnerable for his pleasure.
His pleasure is what I want. His approval is what I seek. Once my collar was in place I knew that I was okay. I was his.. I belong to Sir. I desperately need to belong.

He placed my arms cuffed above my head.... When he slipped the rope around my ankles I felt a sense of excitement. One pull.... and my ankles are bound tighter than Sir has ever made them. Its a quick adrenaline high. I know without a doubt... I cannot wiggle my legs free. The ropes are tight... I like the snugness of them biting into my ankles just a bit. I have wanted this very much. I am face down.. arms cuffed together above my head. Legs tied at the ankle.

Sir trails the flogger over my ass and thighs... My mind is in the moment.. all I can think of is "please"...Please do not make me wait... However I love the anticipation. He begins flogging me every so gently.....A strange sensation comes over me..a warmth in my genital area.. almost as if I have urinated... However, I have not.. Its almost an erotic arousal. I cannot explain. With each strike... I think I need to hear my voice.. almost as much as Sir does.... "Thank you Sir".... "Thank you Sir" To my own ears sometimes I sound grateful... other times my voice is labored... each strike brings a unique sting...
My ass is surely bright red? With each "Thank you Sir" comes another strike... harder than the last one... I do not know... if I am unable? unwilling? or two stubborn to use my safeword.... I know it... "Mercy Sir"... Maybe I do not want to use it? Maybe I do not need to use it? Maybe I do not want to disappoint Sir? For whatever reason.. I do not use it.

Sir seems to know me very well... Even though I have not used a safeword.. He has pushed me a bit further than before... He knows I am at where I need to be... He orders me to turn over.. and he reties my ankles.. crossing them so, my knees are bent. He now begins a slow...tormenting decent down my body with his tongue. He takes each nipple and makes them a delicacy in his mouth. My ass is so very warm against the sheets.. and my nipples and pussy are aching for attention. All I can do is arch toward him.... I need more.. I want more... He is thumping my clit ever so steady... He knows I want more.
I want his finger deep inside my wet pussy. I want his tongue on my hard clit... I want to feel his hard cock inside of me. I want to house it in my warmth.
I feel I can wait no longer... I beg for him to let me cum.... I love his words telling me to cum just for him... The minute he requests me to.. I want to.. I need to.. but, I am not quite there... My body is so wound up.... Again I beg for him to let me cum... This time when he tells me to cum for him... I do... He knows I cannot remain still... and I cannot remain quiet... He allows me to ride out the wave of pleasure that comes over me.

Sir is not yet finished with me.,,.. I belong to him... I am his for his personal pleasure...
He trails kisses along my body... His tongue is on my throbbing clit... He will make me cum again. My body is wound... I have no choice... my pussy will come again.. for Sir.

Sir unbinds my ankles... I am totally exposed for his pleasure.. I love the feel of Sirs hard cock as he penetrates deep inside of me. I feel his need grow... I love it when he takes me in a such a manner. I love it when he takes me off guard.. and tugs me swift and firm toward him by my collar. The kiss is fierce and demanding. My goal is to meet his need....

I drift to sleep in my cuff and collar. I know I will sleep peacefully next to Sir.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

First Post....

It has been a couple months since Sir has restrained my wrists and spanked my ass to a nice warm red.... I miss it.. Tonight he has promised me just such a treat.

He knows that anticipation is a driving force in my mind. He knows my desires to test limits.. to try to new and different things. To feel the full circle of emotions from, softness, to firm aggression...to fear... to pain... to raw desire.... to solace...

All day my mind wanders with anticipation. If I center my thoughts on his touch, his smell... his voice.. or even the sound of his belt as it snaps... I can remember... remembering can make me take a deep breath... remembering can make my nipples grow hard... or my pussy twitch... Its a mind.... a body built of anticipation.

As our evening unfolds... and we snuggle on the sofa... Sir, is tired from his day... I lay in his arms wondering if he will full fill my driving need.. or if we will snuggle into a comfort zone... putting the scene off until another night. I love to lay in his arms.. and stroke his body.. just to feel his skin beneath mine.

We head to the bedroom... I know he has exquisite plans for me.. as I see the rope on the bed... He fastens my collar. Kisses my neck... a signal to me that my waiting is over.. and I will be able to submit... and receive the control, structure, and guidance I seek. I glance up and see my nude body in his mirror.. I love the sight of his body behind me.. He motions for me to hold out my arms... He strokes my arms and places the cotton rope around my wrists. I look away from his gaze.. His naked torso is always an erotic site for me... I can get lost in his vision. He bounds my ankles with the same cotton rope. I am now bound together with my arms above my head and my ankles together.

Face down with my hands bound above my head... and my feet bound at my ankles...
I am in my own zone.... A place that feels both comforting and erotic. It offers an intense feeling of anticipation and desire. At this point my pain and pleasure lay soley in Sirs hands... and I like that zone.. I love the feel as he trails the flogger over my round ass. I anticipate the first strike.. its gentle and light.. He is letting me know what is coming.. Each strike I quiver with a combination of anticipation and need. Each strike grows slightly harder than the last... I breath deep... It thrills me to know that my sighs...moans ..cries.... are things he enjoys hearing... That I can just free fall into his care... and that their is no right or wrong response. I need for him to be in control of my body.. its his for the taking. As each stroke grows more intense.. I think of my safe word...Then I think.. I need just one more strike.. and I will say it.. then the strike comes firm and controlled... yet I do not say it... I endure...I then say the same thing in my mind... after this stroke.. I will use the power I have.. I will say my safe word to let sir know...I need him to ease the sting or change the strength of his stroke... yet I say nothing... Sir senses I am where I need to be... and rubs my ass.. and kisses it.. feeling the warmth he has created. I love the feel of his cool cheek against my warm ass.

He leaves my hands bound and commands me to turn over... He unties my ankles and reties them crossed at the ankle... This is a new position for me... It exposes my ripe pussy.... I remain his for the taking... at his pace... in whatever way in which he desires. I know my pleasure will be exquisite. Sir never fails to take my body to the edge..again.. and again... I am a yo-yo at the masters hand. Sir knows that he has the power to make me cum in few minutes.. or to make me wait.. and draw out the pleasure. He chooses to make me wait.... He knows I will beg... I will beg for him to let me cum. I must need the pleasure as badly as he wishes to give it... Then and only then will he let me cum. As I cum.. my cries are music to his ears.. He knows I cannot remain still or quiet...I love my existence as I strain against my ropes. As my breathing shallows and returns to a more normal pace... He continues to stroke my body... my breasts... my wet clit...

I remain for a moment with my eyes closed... bound in my vulnerable position..drifting with the sound of the music...When I feel sir's wet gentle kisses on the inside of my thighs.. I still remain his for the taking. His expert tongue will take me once again over the edge.
He then releases my ankles making me available for his taking... He never ceases to make me feel my pleasure is foremost in his mind...

After he releases my arms.. my collar remains.. I love it when he grabs the ring and pulls me toward him... and kisses me aggressively... If I am property.. I am his.. and his alone.
I feel at home in this space. I love the feel of my collar as we drift off to sleep snuggled in a spoon position. I miss the security of my cuffs.. that I am used to ... much the same as you might miss your watch.. if you left it at home... As I fall asleep.. I resolve to tell sir how much I enjoyed the rope.. but, that I have a feeling of loss without the cuffs.

As I am about to drift off to sleep... I realize that I am connected to sir.. every bit at deeply as if I were married to him. I belong to him... I trust him with all that I am.. unconditionally. It is but the only gift I have to give.